I thought about many things for these times.
I wanted to be a diferent person, I wanted to change my reality for some days.
Escape from my daily routine of Lisbon, from my habits, from my paranoias, from my fears, my hopes, my fantasys, my desires...and experience news things, putting myself in another way, embodying myself as something else.
For that I would use my work, the work of a Gardiénnè, at Paris.
But that was not possible.
It didn´t came to me or maybe I just should push it more.
The conditions that I came for were very different that I was expecting or that was supposed.
I cannot present myself as a gardiénnè to the people that lives here, because the sandique ( kind of enterprise responsible for the builings and for the people that works there) didn´t gave me the order or possibility to replace the other worker...
So every time that somebody asks me something I have to say that my supposed aunt is not here ( but I can help instead) and if they see me working I have to say that I´m helping my aunt, because she´s not here, or because she´s hill....
Well I am working as an Uncovered Gardiénnè! Actually when i think about it Its quite funny. I have to be uncovered, like FBI or CIA, always hiding my identity or my duties, but im not working for the governement or a secret instituition. I´m just taking care of a flat, by cleaning, receving the mail or solving some problems that can just come out.
And because I´m in this situation the person that I came for replace has to be here with me. That´s way I´m not living alone but with somebody else.
I´m in a very unconfortable place.
Dealing with things that I don´t know how to resolve them or help. I´m in midlle of confusion, and somehow I cannot escape or live with that without giving a shit. It´s disturbing myself and my pretendings but most of all it´s making me sad.
But, on the other hand, its making me think about a lot of subjects. I think that in all my life I have lucky and a lot of support.
I cannot understand or accept this not healthy way of living, if I can call it living. People that complains about all and waits in front of a television for the changes to happen. Obcessed by body, or better, by a body when was younger. And making problems where they dont exist.
Problems also with alcool and pills. Mix them and there´s a bomb.
Now, im feeling that I just cannot stay here and see the show.
Or Maybe I just wanted to be selfish.
On the other hand, in this builing nothing happens. I don´t see anyone coming in or living the house. In 19 days I only saw 4 persons that live here.
I just know them by the names cause I have to deliver the mail.
People don´t talk to much. Always trying to not be found.
So, that´s how it is.
Tão Guardiã, em bom Português!
Me and myself trying to speak in french, at Trocadero. Nice night in the gardens.
It´s strange but i cannot be myself when i speak another language. Well, I know that a lot is because i cannot speak french or english so well as portuguese, but somehow it changes. Its interesting. We are so used to communicate by speaking that when we cannot be so well understood a lot of things that we meant to say we don´t say them or we are miss understood. We just can´t be really us or we can? Its come of course the questions who we are. Fake or real? Does our memories are real or just a fake construction of our mind to not get lost?
Sunday, 10th of August 2008
